When Root Canals Go Wrong
by Reverberating Winds
Summary: Crack. Cakes and candy can add up to a nasty surprise in your teeth over time. Which of the Espada is the lucky one to have a root canal? Too bad Las Noches has no anesthesia!


When Root Canals Go Wrong

Alright, kiddies. Here's the deal. This is super crackish.

Bleach is not mine. But Ulquiorra's tooth is.

* * *

"My dearest Espada, please enjoy your dessert. I see that you have all been such wonderful underlings, so I will reward you. Please take as much as you want." Aizen beckoned to the buckets of chocolate and ice cream spread out on the long table the Espada were eating at. Nobody could believe their eyes. Grimmjow sat there gaping at the mound of chocolate a foot away from him, Szayel looked eager, Yami was starting to drool, Noitora seemed to look like he was on cloud nine, and Ulquiorra…Ulquiorra stared blankly at the sweets.

With that said, the Espada started to pig out. All except for Ulquiorra. He was the only one that wasn't shoveling the food into his mouth. He just stared at the ice cream melting in his bowl, and the cake waiting to be eaten on his plate. Ulquiorra really did want to eat it, but there was something that wouldn't let him. A little pain in the back of his mouth suspended him from eating. Szayel took notice of this, as Ulquiorra was usually the one sneaking over to get ice cream or cookies during dessert. Szayel looked over the rims of his glasses at Ulquiorra, who stared back with hostility.

"My, my, Ulquiorra. What's wrong with you today?"

"Nothing, Szayel." Ulquiorra replied shortly.

"A stomachache?" guessed Szayel. "You're usually pigging out in your sophisticated way."

"No." Ulquiorra answered, touching his lower jaw gingerly. His everlasting frown deepened. Szayel blinked, and raised an eyebrow.

"What is it? TMJ?"

"No." Ulquiorra replied, irritated. "There's a strange pain in the back of my mouth."

A light went off in Szayel's mind. Apparently, not even Arrancar were immune to the effects of sugar in excess. His hands were itching to poke around in Ulquiorra's mouth and drill something, but that was probably just his scientist needs getting to him again.

"A cavity?" Szayel asked eagerly, leaning forward. "I'll examine it later."

Ulquiorra thought over his offer. Ulquiorra figured it wouldn't hurt. He wanted to be able to eat sweets and cold stuff again without having the annoying, ringing pain in his mouth. Even so, he wasn't sure if it was a tooth, or gum.

"I suppose you may."

"I'll do it now!" Szayel almost shouted, leaning farther over the table.

The others at the table shot him annoyed looks. They dropped their gazes and went back to the food.

"What the fuck are you yelling at Ulquiorra for?" demanded Grimmjow.

"He has a cavity! A CAVITY!" squealed Szayel, beaming. "I'm going to operate on it right now!"

The table became quiet, and all heads snapped to Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra sighed and shook his head, murmuring something about "insolence".

Grimmjow raised an eyebrow, and swallowed what he was chewing.

"This is gonna be some fun shit! Yami, Noitora, let's watch Ulquiorra get is tooth drilled in!"

"I highly doubt it's a cavity." Ulquiorra said in an undertone, as he was dragged away by a giggling Szayel.

Over at the end of the table, Aizen frowned.

"Ulqui-chan with a cavity? Hmm…Gin, Tousen, I'll be back later…"

Aizen went to go join the other spectators, squawking about Ulquiorra's odd predicament.

Ulquiorra was slightly unnerved by the spring in Szayel's step, and the spontaneous bouts of laughter he was going through. After a while of that, they stopped at a door that said _Si __entras__mueres_and under that _El __Laboratorio__ de Szayel __Aporro__Grantz_

"That doesn't apply to you, of course!" Szayel said with a nervous laugh.

Szayel pushed the door open, and took a deep sniff of his beloved laboratory. Szayel closed his eyes dreamily and skipped deeper into his dark lab.

"Why the fuck does it smell like rotting people in here?" Grimmjow asked explosively.

"Because there probably are a few rotting humans in here." murmured Noitora.

Szayel ignored their comments and took Ulquiorra by the wrist, leading him to a table that looked suspiciously like something one would strap a human too, and shoot lasers at them or something. Ulquiorra pushed the thought out of his head. Szayel let go of him for a brief moment, and then the whole room was illuminated.

"Shit!" shrieked Grimmjow. "Fuckin' huge!"

"Yes, yes!" agreed Szayel. "Up there is where I store my lasers, over behind the x-ray machine is where I have all the dead bodies, and then go past my little library of infected things and you'll find the chem lab. We've already passed my engineering area. Yes, well, Ulquiorra, lay on that right there…"

"Strap him to that and I'll kill you." threatened Aizen.

"I won't strap him to it, but…" Szayel pushed the reluctant Ulquiorra onto the table, and snapped his fingers. A light resembling the light used for operations came down from somewhere in the high, dark ceilings.

"Damn, Szayel. Pretty nice place you have here." Noitora observed. His eyes wandered around casually. He was quite impressed.

"I love it too."

Szayel skipped off somewhere, and returned wearing rubber gloves and carrying all this weird looking equipment. Szayel looked very excited, and Ulquiorra scowled when he saw the many appliances in Szayel's arms.

"What are those?" Yami asked warily.

"Oh! Yes, see here, we have the disinfectant, the drill, the injections, the sucky thing, the spraying dealio, and then that weird looking thing is the pick. I'm going to have so much fun!"

"Uh-huh…and what about anesthesia?" Yami questioned, scowling.

"Uhh…well. I don't have any…"

"What do you mean you don't have any anesthesia?" demanded Aizen. "It will be extremely painful for Ulquiorra!" At the moment, Aizen greatly resembled a PMSing overprotective mother. Ulquiorra resembled the apathetic and annoyed teen.

"I'll be fine." assured Ulquiorra. "It's not going to hurt that bad."

"Speaking of hurt, which side and where exactly is the pain, Ulquiorra?"

"Bottom left, toward the back," he replied.

"Let's begin!" chirped Szayel, flicking the light above on.

Grimmjow, Yami, Aizen, and Noitora leaned in close over Ulquiorra.

"Open wide!" sang Szayel, leaning over Ulquiorra.

The excessively bright light illuminated the problem clearly. On Ulquiorra's third molar and last molar, there was a huge hole in it, deep and dark.

Aizen, Yami, and Noitora jumped back, hugging each other.

"Was that a bug?" cried Noitora.

"What the fuck is that?!" screamed Grimmjow.

"You are NOT operating on that without anesthesia!"

Ulquiorra looked extremely offended. Szayel's smile widened to the point where he looked like he was on crack. Something about his smile made Ulquiorra shudder.

"Ahh. Well, I don't think this is going to be a regular cavity filling. Open again, Ulquiorra."

Ulquiorra did as told. Szayel frowned, and murmured "just as I thought".

"Ulquiorra, let me know if this hurts…"

Szayel poked the side of the infected tooth. No reaction from Ulquiorra. He then poked the side of the gum, causing Ulquiorra to inhale sharply. Szayel took note that only that little area near the tooth was red and swollen.

"Don't hurt him!" cried Aizen, who being restrained by Yami and Noitora. Grimmjow looked very amused. It was nice to see his superior in pain.

"Ah." muttered Szayel. "You have to have a root canal done!"

Silence in the room.

"What the fuck is that?" demanded Grimmjow, scowling.

Szayel looked at him primly.

"It's when the pulp in the tooth, where the nerves and blood vessels are gets infected as a result of a cracked tooth or deep cavity, like Ulquiorra's here. He has ignored the pain, and now he has a pus pocket at the root tip! So, we're going to do endodontic treatment right now!" Szayel explained flamboyantly. He smiled sweetly at all of them.

"You may watch."

The spectators ran forward, and leaned over Ulquiorra, looking very amused. Ulquiorra hated the way he was being treated like a test subject. Especially when all of them were breathing on him.

"Erm, people? I can't see what I'm doing with you in the way. Move." Szayel commanded. "Now, now…I'll start with getting rid of the cavity, to prevent anything else!"

Szayel was spraying the water into the tooth, making Ulquiorra wince, and sucking it up with one hand, and then getting the drill fired up with one hand. It was very amusing to see how deft and easy Szayel was with his hands. He was twirling the tools between his fingers, spray, suck, spray suck. He put the tools on a table next to him, and leaned closer to Ulquiorra.

"Your cavity is so raw and exposed…I can see the nerve already! Oh well!"

Szayel started drilling from the top, getting rid of the infection. But the deeper he went, the more fidgety Ulquiorra became.

"Sit on your hands so you're not tempted to try anything funny." He murmured. Ulquiorra ignored him, and frowned.

Szayel should've been more careful with his next move. Just moving the drill a little bit caused Ulquiorra to scream like a maniac.

"Oops! Got your nerve there! Sorry 'bout that…" Szayel apologized, enjoying the drill.

Ulquiorra would've looked a lot more intimidating if his eyes weren't tearing up.

"DON'T HURT HIM!" shrieked Aizen.

"YEAH! Go Szayel! Drill Ulquiorra's brains out!"

Grimmjow received a slap from Aizen.

"He'll be fine!" Szayel said quickly.

Szayel turned off the drill. The spectators leaned in to look at was left of Ulquiorra's tooth. Now, Szayel was holding the 'pick thingy'. He tapped the pointy part of the pick in the nerve, exposed. That was a mistake! Aizen nearly killed Szayel with the drill lying near by when Ulquiorra's scream pierced the air again.

"Sorry, sorry!" Szayel mumbled nervously. "I'm going to get the pulp out like that!"

Silence. Ulquiorra looked horrified. Aizen looked like he wanted to kill Szayel for putting his little 'Ulqui-chan' in pain.

Szayel kept poking around, making Ulquiorra fidget, whine and tear up, but his last move was a huge error. In one hand he held the 'sucky thing', the 'spray dealio', and a small dropper of blue liquid. In his right hand he was holding the pick and a bigger drill. Szayel thought everything would work out as he moved the drill down deeper into the abscess. But he was wrong. The next thing he felt was very sharp pain closes around his left fingers, and Ulquiorra's agonized scream. In reaction to the pain, Szayel recoiled sharply, jerking his hand out of Ulquiorra's mouth with a yelp. But, the pick latched onto Ulquiorra's diseased molar, and it went flying out. Ulquiorra now had thirty one teeth, instead of thirty two, and a gaping bloody hole in his mouth.

From here on out, it was insanity.

Szayel was screaming about his bleeding finger. He found out Ulquiorra had bit him, and left him bleeding. Ulquiorra was spitting blood and anything in his mouth out of his mouth, especially the taste of the blue stuff. Noitora and Grimmjow were freaking out over the bloody scene, and Aizen was getting ready to kill Szayel. Ulquiorra was looking for his tooth in his mouth. When he didn't find it, Ulquiorra started screaming and thrashing around. Yami had run out of there before any of this had broken out.

"DON'T HURT MY BABY!"

"Ahh! That's pus with the blood!"

"Fuck! There's blood on me!"

"RABIES! RABIES! Aizen, no, go away—"

Ulquiorra had fled screaming once he noticed his tooth was gone. Grimmjow was wiping his bloody clothes on Noitora, and climbing Noitora so the blood wouldn't touch him. Szayel was backed up against one of his machines, cradling his finger. Aizen was about ready to stab him with anything in the lab, but his eyes lingered on the drill more than anything else.

Ulquiorra flew up to cell, and slammed the door once he came in.

"Ulquiorra! You're back!"

Ulquiorra gasped, and whirled around. He had forgotten all about the prisoner…damn.

"Oh my! Your clothes!" Orihime pointed at Ulquiorra's jacket and hakama. He looked down. His eyes widened at what he saw.

There was mostly blood, with some other things that looked infected and disgusting. Szayel had sprayed him accidentally too, so Ulquiorra looked like he had just done an operation on someone instead of vice versa.

"What happened?" she cried, backing away. Orihime looked extremely concerned.

Ulquiorra answered with spitting blood onto the ground.

"Szayel just pulled my tooth out. The bastard was doing a root canal, but it came out wrong." Ulquiorra didn't want to say more, and his mouth hurt too much to talk.

"Oh." Orihime mumbled. "That sucks."

"Big time." murmured Ulquiorra.

"So. What do you want from the tooth fairy? I wonder if she gives more for Hollow's teeth…"

At the mention of that, Ulquiorra had to restrain the urge to beat the shit out of Szayel and Aizen. Aizen was being hated for making Ulquiorra deal with such a dumbass prisoner, and Szayel owed him a tooth and painkillers.

* * *

WOW. I got this idea while at the dentist's office waiting for three hours while listening to screaming children. I haven't had a root canal before, so I researched it. Well, whatever. I'm a crackhead.

Review, kiddies.


End file.
